While trying to change I've been over thinking a lot of things. Yes, again. Because the most important things for me now, are trying to figure out exactly what I want to change about myself and my surrounding. Because just starting something without a goal is about as pointless as starting to make a pie without a recipe. Of course you'll be able to make something, but there is no guaranteeing it will actually be anything good. And because this is a huge deal, trying to go forward without a plan is not something I plan on doing.
So I'm planning a lot of things. I haven't thought it all out yet but I'm working my hardest on trying to feel good about what I'm doing and going to do.
Something that's always been bothering me a lot is my appearance so I'm also working on that. Being in Japan has it's advantages and disadvantages on that: Masks of all kinds around a 100 yen here (about 1 euro, give and take) so I'm actually being one every now and then. Also, I really like the skin products here. Downside is that they have so much more skincare products then in Europe that I actually have no clue on what I need to buy or not. It also doesn't help that the products that I am familiar with are quite expensive. And though I'm completely in favor of buying products that are good for you, even if they are a little bit more expensive, some of the prices here are way above my head. It also doesn't help that Asia has a layering culture when it comes to skin products. I don't want to buy 5 different products without actually knowing what they do!
I've also become slightly addicted to watch Michelle Phan's youtube video's and I've also 'discovered' her blog (meaning I spend more then just a little time on there). Being here in Japan is keeping me back from buying a lot of make-up (I'll be going back to The Netherlands in 2 months, so it'll be a bother taking it back with me) and trying out a lot of her video's but I am looking forward to trying to get a little bit better at make-up, and I feel that I can if I really try some of those things out.
One more thing I've been planning on working on is my own styling. I really love fashion, and I want to keep learning more about it, but for some reason I've always been to scared to try out anything or to really learn more through trying. Might have something to do with my inferiority complex but I want to fight that now. After all, I'm the only one who's me and I should try my best at being the best me there is, don't you agree?
Being in Japan means that I look around a lot. I've already given up on trying to be one style only, but I don't really know how to mix styles either. Or how to style. It is something I wasn't good at back when I was studying how to make clothing and it is something I'm still not good at, but I hope to become better at it little by little from now on.
I've watched the last episode of Kawaii International and it has given me some idea's about how to go around trying to create an environment in which I can at least get my idea's together. Even as a child I always looked up to my sister's room, which was filled with all kinds of stuff from hair and make up things to books and cute stuff, and the rooms of the people around me. Their rooms always had something mine seemed to lack. So I tried to recreate their room while 'decorating' my own. It took me 23 year's to figure out what it was that my room was missing that their room had: Character. I've always been trying to adept their character styling into my room, but never even thought about adding my own. Haruka Kurebayashi's and Aoki Misako's room made me realize that in a weird way. I really don't know why I only realized that now.
And the final thing, which I actually am working on right now, and for me maybe the most difficult thing of them all: Being independent. I've always depended on people to do things with me, to plan things for me, and to hold my hand while I was walking my road. I have discovered that a lot of the people around me now are the same: they need to have people that help them move forward. And seeing that part of me reflected in other people I started to hate it, started to hate that part of me that was always waiting for someone else to pull me forward, instead of me taking the first step myself.
Even while planning my trip to Japan, I have to admit that I had a lot of people helping me. Of course, having people that help you isn't a bad thing but it's kind of sad when you even need somebody to help you out to just click a button to book a flight ticket, don't you agree? Well that's the kind of person I am right now. And I'm disliking it to the point of being disgusted. I want to be able to stand on my own to feet and walk forward. Of course I will still have people that help me out when I'm stuck, but I at least want to try it on my own now. Or at least that's what I'm currently thinking.
Therefor, planning my traveling in Japan is really difficult for me. As we speak I am planning to go to Tokyo after new years, and I've booked my ticket from Sendai to Tokyo a few days ago. But that's the only thing I've done so far and it was only done after a lot of whining and prolonging. As soon as some other arrangements are settled, something that really does need to be done before I can book, I will book my hostel in Tokyo as well. And depending on what to other arrangements are settled on, I will of course also book my ticket back to Sendai.
Arranging this on my own, and knowing I'll be in Tokyo on my own is draining a lot of energy right now, but it is something I really want to do and something I feel I need to do on my own.
Do you know that feeling? Where you feel like you really need to do this on your own?
For me, it feels I'm finally growing up. Inside, I'll always be a little princess, and I don't think that will ever really change. But I hope with all my heart I can now become a full fledged strong and independent woman as well.
Do you do anything special to create your own growing environment?
If so, won't you share it with us?
Thank you, and until next time!